I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
