don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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