i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We have started to decorate penises.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
