i think my tv is drunk
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
