so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
