A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's shark week go big or go home
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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