If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
