I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
