she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
