my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
