My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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