The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wear drunk well.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
