He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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