i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
