The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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