so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
