Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
