The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im part way to drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
