So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
