Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
