I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the day after is always just damage control
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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