I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I just sharted jello shots
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