I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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