apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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