is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
