I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
