I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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