well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
