dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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