Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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