It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
