I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
