I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
