you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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