I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
