omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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