At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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