he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
