The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you would pick up someone in the library
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
