I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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