Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
