Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
