Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
