i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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