Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
