Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
