Don't you send me to vm
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
