Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
