My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
