Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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