I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
