I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
