In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm at about main and main street
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
