nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
