You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
